So I’ve decided for my second blog I will tell you all about my mental health journey. Some people may be able to relate, and those that can’t I hope you enjoy.
Ever since I was a child, as young as I can remember I’ve strugged woth anxiety. My first memory is probably in year 2 at primary school and my mum would drop me off the the classroom and i would be sobbing for hours wishing she could just take me home or better still stay with me. I hated being away from her and not in my ‘safe place’. I rarely went to kids parties because I chose not to. Didnt have a proper sleep over until I was around 15yrs old and even then I sonbed and my friends dad stayed up with me most of the night making sure I was ok because i refused to let me anxiety take over and go back to my ‘safe place’
Everytime the river was slightly high I’d be worrying it would flood and not be able to sleep at night worrying about it. Watching back on old family videos, me around 3yrs old asking my mum every few minutes if my hair bobble would fall out because i was so obsessed it would. (Not like it was the end of the world but to me it was). If my dad was working nights id be scared we would get burgled while he was out and some harm would come to me or my mum.
Fast forward a few years to high school and i remember getting so anxious for exams and having to give presentations that id be worrying for weeks and being physically sick because of it. I only ever had 1 panic attack, ive been close to many more but luckily for me one was bad enough that I try so hard to snap out of them and its worked so far.
When my anxiety kicks in i bite my fingers, pick at my face and bite the inside of my mouth, so much so that ive recently had to have a minor op and have stitches in my mouth from the damage I caused.
When I leave my house i have to checked plug sockets are off, the door is locked and nothing insode cam cause any harm to my pets whilst im not there. The list goes on but this then brings me to this year (2019).
I can only describe my summer as having some kind of mental breakdown. Work was getting on top of me, I had recently moved out of my ‘safe place’ and into my own house with my fiance, my dog wasnt setting and terrible distressed. I was sinking further into a dark hole so referred myself online to IAPT (Adult Improving Access to Psychological Therapies programme) I knew i needed to get on top of all my issues i had suffered with for almost all my life because i had never at that point in my life felt so low. I began CBT and my therapist diagnosed me with now just anxiety but depression and OCD. I always thought OCD was simply wanting everything clean all the time but I was wrong. My therapist belived that because I didnt have any coping mechanisms for my anxiety and OCD that this then caused the Depression.
My journey is still ongoing, I am awaiting more therapy but a diagnosis helped me come to terms with my issues and understanding my behaviour . I also think it helped my family understand me a lot more.
Still a long road ahead but im living it. Moods and Me is who I am and im embracing it 💪
Moods & Me 